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Dad jokes
Re: Dad jokes
Cringeworthy. I love it.amckiwi wrote:
"It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever."
David St. Hubbins
David St. Hubbins
- hoppes-no9
- Posts: 2489
- Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:18 am
- Name: Dan
- Location: Maryland
- hoppes-no9
- Posts: 2489
- Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:18 am
- Name: Dan
- Location: Maryland
Re: Dad jokes
Have you met the right rope walker Even Lee
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Re: Dad jokes
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that's the last thing I need.
The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh!" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker"
"I know," I whispered, "that's why I poisoned you... now close your eyes."
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big McSteak.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that's the last thing I need.
The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh!" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker"
"I know," I whispered, "that's why I poisoned you... now close your eyes."
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big McSteak.
- rockmastermike
- Feedback Virtuoso
- Posts: 20584
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 5:13 pm
- Name: WDE
Re: Dad jokes
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
- jeckyll
- Honorary Assistant Jr. Hall Monitor in Training
- Posts: 11921
- Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:11 pm
- Name: Björn
Re: Dad jokes
We all have the same enemy. The enemy is the tyranny of the dull mind. - - Tom Robbins
Re: Dad jokes
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
- hoppes-no9
- Posts: 2489
- Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:18 am
- Name: Dan
- Location: Maryland
Re: Dad jokes
I spent all night eating a clock.
It was very time-consuming.
It was very time-consuming.
Re: Dad jokes
My friend David had his ID stolen, now he’s just Dav.
- rockmastermike
- Feedback Virtuoso
- Posts: 20584
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 5:13 pm
- Name: WDE
Re: Dad jokes
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks can you make me one with everything
Re: Dad jokes
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes, 4- leaf clovers and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.
I thought, "He's pushing his luck!!..
I thought, "He's pushing his luck!!..
Re: Dad jokes
>> 1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
>> 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
>> 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
>> 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
>> 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
>> 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
>> 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
>> 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
>> 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
>> 11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
>> 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
>> 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
>> 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
>> 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
>> 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
>> 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
>> 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
>> 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
>> 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
>> 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
>> 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
>> 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
>> 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
>> 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
>> 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
>> 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
>> 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
>> 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
>> 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
>> 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
>> 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
>> 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
>> 11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
>> 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
>> 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
>> 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
>> 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
>> 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
>> 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
>> 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
>> 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
>> 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
>> 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
>> 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
>> 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
>> 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
>> 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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