Dad jokes

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Mon Sep 07, 2020 3:04 am

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CGSshorty
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by CGSshorty » Wed Sep 09, 2020 11:00 am

amckiwi wrote:
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Cringeworthy. I love it.
"It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever."
David St. Hubbins

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Re: Dad jokes

Post by CarloDWC » Wed Sep 09, 2020 6:35 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Tue Sep 22, 2020 12:47 am

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Thu Oct 22, 2020 2:07 pm

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hoppes-no9
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by hoppes-no9 » Sat Oct 24, 2020 9:21 pm

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hoppes-no9
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by hoppes-no9 » Sat Oct 24, 2020 9:21 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:45 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sun Nov 08, 2020 8:34 pm

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Have you met the right rope walker Even Lee
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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Mon Nov 16, 2020 3:00 am

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sat Nov 21, 2020 11:00 pm

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that's the last thing I need.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh!" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker"
"I know," I whispered, "that's why I poisoned you... now close your eyes."
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big McSteak.

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Re: Dad jokes

Post by rockmastermike » Sun Nov 22, 2020 6:56 am

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Mon Nov 30, 2020 8:48 pm

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

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jeckyll
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by jeckyll » Sat Dec 12, 2020 1:11 pm

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We all have the same enemy. The enemy is the tyranny of the dull mind. - - Tom Robbins

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri Jan 29, 2021 2:22 pm

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

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hoppes-no9
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by hoppes-no9 » Sat Jan 30, 2021 11:43 am

I spent all night eating a clock.

It was very time-consuming.

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BacoNoir
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by BacoNoir » Sat Jan 30, 2021 12:14 pm

My friend David had his ID stolen, now he’s just Dav.
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DoctorC
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by DoctorC » Sat Jan 30, 2021 2:20 pm

Love them all!
Greg

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:10 pm

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rockmastermike
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by rockmastermike » Mon Feb 01, 2021 5:37 pm

The Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks can you make me one with everything

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BacoNoir
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by BacoNoir » Mon Feb 01, 2021 5:48 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Tue Feb 02, 2021 3:40 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Mon Feb 08, 2021 1:18 pm

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes, 4- leaf clovers and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.
I thought, "He's pushing his luck!!..

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Tue Feb 16, 2021 9:14 pm

>> 1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

>> 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

>> 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

>> 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

>> 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

>> 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

>> 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

>> 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

>> 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.



>> 11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

>> 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.


>> 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

>> 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

>> 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

>> 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

>> 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

>> 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

>> 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

>> 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

>> 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

>> 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

>> 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

>> 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

>> 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri Feb 19, 2021 5:38 pm

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